to the woman who got left…

A man’s worst nightmare is the woman that he left in the dirt.

For she grew..

Let’s start with affirmations:

You are enough. You are beautiful. You are worthy. Only love can reach you. Isn’t it difficult to stay optimistic when you’ve experienced nothing short of let downs? To the girl who let her guard down only to end up heartbroken again, this is for you.

One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling as if you aren’t good enough for someone you love. Once you begin to understand your power, you’ll know that this feeling has nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone simply projecting their insecurities onto you. Sometimes we as women have a tendency to tie our self-worth to a man and soon enough we rely on that same man to validate our beauty. With that comes a consistent need for approval and acceptance, and before we know it, we’ve completely changed ourselves for someone else.

I once read a quote that said “Everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to find the one who’s worth it.” I agree in a sense. You’ll experience moments where your partner’s actions just downright hurt. However, after expressing that these things have hurt you, there shouldn’t be a second occurrence. You’re not responsible for what happens to you because some things are just beyond your control. You are responsible for healing, building yourself back up, and learning the lesson.

BE WHO YOU ARE, and never apologize for it. The one for you will not expect you to change yourself for him. A man who loves you will accept you for who you are, and will not gaslight or manipulate you into being someone that you are not. I tell my friends all the time that men HAVE to cut the habit of being attracted to a woman for how she is and then expecting her to tone down after getting into a relationship with them. You deserved to be love where you are.

DON’T DOUBLE BACK. You will absolutely experience moments of loneliness and worthlessness, but stand firm. Don’t waste your time trying to prove that you can be a good woman to him. Naturally, we want to know where things went wrong…and that’s okay. But don’t spend so much time analyzing and picking the situation apart. Doing so can lead to vulnerability and you may find yourself trying to breathe life into a dead situation. Don’t be weak, bitch!

DON’T SEEK REVENGE. As my good friend said in his book ‘The Bad Bitch Bible’, LET IT GO, BITCH. There’s an old chinese proverb that says “If you dig one grave, you better dig two.” Getting even is the worst thing that you can do to yourself. Why do you care so much? What point do you have to prove? And to who? Think about WHY you feel the need to get revenge. Let it go. If you’re bettering yourself, be sure that you’re doing it for YOU and not anyone else. You will only make yourself miserable trying to make your ex jealous when he probably doesn’t even care. Don’t compete where you can’t compare.

OCCUPY YOUR TIME. Take this time to call your energy back to you! Return to doing what you loved to do before this relationship ended. Maybe you’ve skipped a few gym sessions because you’ve been caught up in spending time with your lover. You need to occupy your time, and what better way to do it than picking back up old, healthy habits? My favorite thing to do after a breakup is write. I’m not all that great at expressing how i feel in the moment, but paper and pen always help me through. I’m so content with pouring a glass of wine, putting on ‘Chilombo’ and writing my life away. Fill your empty spaces doing things that serve you.

STOP BLEEDING ON OTHER PEOPLE. This is one of my biggest pet peeves! TAKE TIME TO HEAL!!!!!!! After ending one of my most challenging relationships, the very last thing that I wanted to do was look for another. I knew that I was so mentally depleted and just not ready to date. I remember being approached by a really sweet guy and the moment that he brought up the topic of dating my exact words were “That wouldn’t be fair because I don’t have anything to give you.” I didn’t. I was rediscovering myself as a person and couldn’t give anyone anything that I couldn’t even give myself. I completely lacked affection, love, and trust. You HAVE to be mature enough to be selfless. It’s not fair to anyone to have to endure withdrawal and betrayal simply because of what you went through in your last relationship. Stop dating while you’re healing, you’re damaging innocent people.

BUILD YOURSELF BACK UP. This is ultimately the meat of this post and the setting for how your life will progress. Take all the time that you need, but don’t forget to build yourself back up. You owe yourself that much. You deserve love, but you have to be ready to receive it. So, he chipped away at your self esteem? BUILD YOURSELF BACK UP. He told you that you weren’t beautiful anymore? BUILD YOURSELF BACK UP. You’re not responsible for what he said, but you are responsible for your healing.

So how do you build yourself up?

It’s important to understand that in this situation, what’s good for the goose may not be good for the gander. If you’ve experienced a good amount of trauma, you may benefit from counseling and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’ll always advocate for anyone to do what’s best for their situation. However, I want to leave you with some takeaways that are sure to bring you some comfort.

1. AFFIRMATIONS. I started this post with affirmations and i’m ending it with the same, because how we speak to ourselves is so critical. When you feed your spirit positivity, you produce positive results. Now, this is not an overnight transformation but consistency and faith is key. One of my favorite quotes from Eintstein says “Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way.” Amazing right? Even more amazing is the truth behind this statement. Our minds are so powerful that just a simple thought can influence our reality. “I am beautiful.” “My body is perfect.” “I am worthy of true love.” “What’s meant for me will never pass me by.” Speak these things, believe them, and watch your life flourish.

2. DO SHADOW WORK. I hope that at this point i’ve convinced you to take time to heal. Along with healing comes shadow work. Just because he left doesn’t mean that you’re flawless. In fact, if you’ve had many failed relationships you’ve probably questioned if anything is wrong with you. Take this time to explore the dark side of yourself that you may not be aware of- your ego and your archetype personality. Ouch, right?! Confront your ego and improve your life. Shadow work simply calls forth the unconscious side of us and seeks to improve it. Use shadow work so that whenever you are ready to date again, you’ll have a healthier understanding of self.

3. REDIRECT THE ENERGY. My greatest productions and publications came after I went through shit. Energy is ever present and never ever dies. I always reference my recently published book when speaking on redirecting energy. My book was not supposed to be a book, it was an experience that I journaled about. Most of you know that I experienced pregnancy loss back in February and after discovering that I couldn’t physically speak about it without getting choked up, I wrote how I felt instead. I wrote about how I felt physically and how I felt mentally. My body went through a lot of changes. I was depressed, paranoid and ended up developing PTSD overall. I laid in bed for a week after it happened and thought about how many women have experienced the exact same thing and didn’t have any guidance. I channeled all of the negative energy I was holding onto and redirected it into helping the next woman and this is how my book was born.

Up above i referenced a book titled ‘The Bad Bitch Bible”, and I want to give you the opportunity to purchase your very own copy. The author, Kristopher Welcome wrote this book with you in mind. Click the link to become a bad bitch today:

If you’re reading, be sure to subscribe to my mailing list for updates whenever a new blog is posted. Thank you for reading!

the art of submission.

Dominatrixes as life coaches: Gains to be made from submission

The average person, out of curiosity will click on this post just because of the title. Others, perhaps see the word “submit” and run the opposite direction. So what is submission exactly? Submission is defined as the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

Naturally in relationships, men are head of the household. Naturally, men feel an inclination to lead their families, and although it has become common for women to carry their families, the majority of men are still the breadwinners. I’ve always been very strong willed and self sufficient up until I crossed over into the crazy world of property management. I promise you, this story aligns eventually.

I got my foot in the door by starting off as a leasing agent for a small, but growing company. It was a smooth ride in the beginning as I focused mostly on giving tours of the property to prospective tenants, building rapport with current residents, and leasing my vacant units. One month later, I was facing a totally new reality after being promoted to property manager. I was excited to be granted the opportunity, and in the blink of an eye, I was in my own office ALONE…meeting new faces both welcoming and unwelcoming. If you’ve ever worked in the industry, you know how unpredictable it can be from day to day.

Over the course of weeks, the workload became increasingly heavy and I had a bulk of new responsibilities on top of what I’d already been doing. Juggling between leasing, budgeting, and managing was a daily challenge, and I soon found out that everything wasn’t as it was chalked up to be. No one ever warned me that I would spend so much time speaking to law enforcement because of domestic disputes. I didn’t know how hard it would be to evict tenants that I’d grown to love. I didn’t realize how draining it would be managing other employees and contractors who had a tendency to be incompetent. I never even imagined being a mediator in random relationships, a lifeguard, a confidant, and a 24/7 security guard.

Before i knew it, I was a boss bitch making life changing decisions and I was completely over it. I loathed going home, because even then I still felt obligated to monitor everything that was taking place on my property. Yes, I lived on site and because of that I could never turn work completely off. Sometimes I would toss and turn at all after having to deny an applicant because their background check didn’t come back clean or they didn’t meet income requirements. The only relief that I felt was when I talked to my partner about my daily stress and trouble. He was amazing at calming me down and keeping me aligned mentally. It was in these moments that I learned the true meaning of submission, and how much I needed it in my life.

1. Sometimes, it comes natural. Being a Cancer, I am naturally a submissive woman. It goes hand in hand for me. I am in no way, shape or form a dominant person. I’m very gentle, compassionate, and maternal. I will also avoid conflict at all cost and I advocate for peace. Like most women, I desire a man who can take control. I didn’t want to come home after work to make even more decisions. I didn’t want to make a decision on what I’d be cooking that evening. I most certainly didn’t want to deal with a man who didn’t have it all planned out. There’s no greater feeling than willfully submitting to a man who can lead us without needing my direction. Yes, I want you to already have chosen what we’ll eat for dinner. Even if that means we’ll be going out. Yes, I want you to finish cleaning what I was too exhausted to complete. And yes, I want you to choose the movie.

2. Sexual Submission. It’s probably no shock, that I don’t have many limits in the bedroom. I’ll try anything once and I love having a dominant male take control of me. I’m also very lazy, and being submissive means that I don’t have to be a cowgirl, EVER. I have enjoyed other energy-draining activities like BDSM and I’ve incorporated it into my routine. Being in control is just not for me, and I recognized this the first time that my partner gave me my very first order. I slipped on a cute lingerie set, had a few glasses of wine and waited for his arrival. Once he came into the bedroom, the first thing he said to me was “Take that off.” and kissed my shoulder. I remember thinking, “what the hell, what man doesn’t like lingerie?” But, I removed it anyhow. As time passed, our sexual relationship took a turn and although I wasn’t accustomed to this, I embraced it, andeven today I haven’t been able to return to vanilla sex.

I transitioned very easily into submission due to my love language being acts of service. On a night out, I’m the one looking out for the other girls. I’ll be the one driving the inebriated, and watching their drinks. On Thanksgiving, I’ll choose a seat with open access just in case I need to go and grab a dinner roll for someone who forgot to grab one. If we’re traveling and stop for fast food, I’ll be the one serving food to the driver so they can focus on the road. I generally just enjoy serving in every capacity and I receive fulfillment from doing so.

It’s important for the two of you to have a high level of trust and to respect each other’s limitations. During your exploration you may discover that you have very hard limits and you may even discover that you can be both submissive and dominant. What works for one couple may not work for you, and not all women are submissive 24/7 as I have been. Choosing to be submissive doesn’t make you any less of a human being, or unworthy of having a voice. You still have the power to walk away if the dynamic changes to one that you are no longer comfortable with. Please remember that at the end of the day you still have feelings and you aren’t a doormat. Submission should make you feel empowered, not inferior and it should ALWAYS be consensual. There’s a thin line between dominance and abuse. BEWARE OF RED FLAGS!

  1. A continuous violation of boundaries: You should only have to communicate to your partner that you are uncomfortable with something one time only. Any partner that feels the need to continue violating your boundaries after you’ve expressed discomfort should be left alone completely.
  2. No safe words: If your partner doesn’t respect or “allow” you to use safe words during sex, this is a clear form of abuse. Everyone has hard limits and you’re entitled to each of them, no questions asked.
  3. They’re sadistic: Now, don’t confuse the two. There are individuals who regularly practice sadism with a consenting partner, but this is different from a dominant/submissive dynamic. If you haven’t consented to receiving pain, your partner shouldn’t be inflicting any on you whatsoever.
  4. They’re controlling and selfish: A person faking a dominant lifestyle will be controlling from the jump and it will grow increasingly worse. A fake dominant partner will attempt to control every aspect of you and they won’t care anything about you besides what you can offer them sexually. A lot of abusers wear a dominant title to cover up their true intentions.

I want to highlight that entreprenuers, too experience this feeling. I can openly admit that I’ve always been a horrible employee. I don’t like authority, following rules, and low quality work. When I don’t like the way a company’s process works, I contact corporate with suggestions. I hate restrictions, and I absolutely despise being micro-managed. I’ve had this feeling for years, and I often speak with my grandma regarding my reservations on things. She always says “I don’t even know why you work those types of jobs. You always have something to say.” The “why” never really dawned on me though. After publishing my first book and earning royalties from it, I recognized how easy it is to just work for myself and generate my own income. I have every intention of growing my blog, shaking my fear of pursuing photography, and publishing my second book.

With this, I know that like alot of entreprenuers, the partner for me will have to be one who is understanding, alleviates the burden, and gives space when needed. Even being dominant in my daily life, I need submission to balance me out at the end of the day.

So what type are you? Submissive or Dominant? Leave your answer in the comments below, and be sure to subscribe for updates!