to the woman who shies away from the dating scene…

If you’re anything like me, then just the mere thought of dating and the slightest possibility of it not going as planned is mentally exhausting. You probably work your own nerves just pondering on all the energy it takes to put yourself out there time and time again after one relationship doesn’t work out. Well, you’re not alone when it comes to feeling this way. Believe it or not, there’s a bulk of us who do….and here’s why:

Rejection.

When You're Just Not Ready for Rejection | Jane Friedman

You don’t have to admit it to me. In fact, your pride probably won’t let you and that’s normal. We all have subconsciously harbored some fear of rejection at some point in time. So many of us have been going through what seems like a never-ending spiral of it. We’ve been rejected in so many ways that it takes a while to build our confidence up, then once we get it where we want it, we’re back to square one. It takes ALOT to put yourself out there at the risk of someone rejecting you. It is a pattern that we tend to attract because we have rejected a part of Self.

Rejection leaves us feeling inadequate and subpar. It’s a feeling that our brain doesn’t seem to process, and something that we have a hard time accepting. All hope is not lost though, as someone rejecting you is not something that you should take offensively or personally. Sometimes people go through certain situations and when the kitchen starts heating up (ex: you and said person are finally planning to meet up), their trauma steps forward and they renege. Maybe that person had a similar experience in the past and they’re afraid to risk being stood up again. Either way, that has absolutely nothing to do with you, and it isn’t your job to fix it. Allow that person to work on their own issues while you continue on your journey.

Starting over.

Couples Therapy - Paul Hoskins

When I turned 18 and started college, I told myself that I would be married by 23. At age 28, I look back and laugh because I hadn’t even scratched the surface of all that life had to offer me. At 19, I was in my first relationship that I did not take as serious as I should have. There was no infidelity or anything of that nature- I was just young, immature and obviously not ready for that type of commitment.

After we separated, we still did things occasionally and even tried to doctor our relationship for two years after. When we decided that it just wasn’t working, I found myself starting over for the first time….and how I wish I would have been prepared. Of course with me being so young, I still was playing the field and not putting much thought into relationships. I only knew that I didn’t want to be tied down anymore so I was just doing my own thing. I casually dated and focused more on being a tease and playing hard to get.

I get it. No one likes starting over. None of us want to be almost 30 years old asking a potential partner what their favorite food and color is. We don’t feel like we have time and we’re also scared to once again put all of our eggs into one basket, even if they’re asking you to take that leap of faith. The beauty in starting over is the lesson that we learn. If it didn’t bring us what we wanted, it definitely taught us what we didn’t want. We also gain this refined skill of caution and awareness the next time we decide we’re ready to entertain another potential. Once we’ve recognized the pattern, we can decide to walk away if it doesn’t serve us.

Intention.

41 Hilarious Pics of People Getting Caught Looking - Funny Gallery

I could totally write a book on intention alone when it relates to dating. I have never witnessed a more dishonest generation than the one that I’m apart of. I always say that I have more respect for the man who tells me upfront that he’s just looking for a quick hook up with no strings attached because then I know not to deal with that man. Anytime I put myself on the market, I’m forthcoming with my intent before anything else. I am OLD and I don’t have a second of time and energy to waste on the wrong person.

If you would’ve caught me 5 years ago, I’m certain that I would be entertaining a man who wasn’t looking for anything serious, thinking that I could change him eventually. Boy was I wrong! Maya Angelou said it best, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” So, here I was at age 22 thinking I could take a man who wasn’t ready for commitment and mold him into what I wanted him to be. Yes, it backfired on me. I knew that I was a good ass woman, but that meant nothing to someone who had made up in their mind that they weren’t looking to be what I needed. Yes, it was draining. It was draining to constantly prove my worth to a guy who simply wasn’t worth it. I would insert a quote here that says “Your worth doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to recognize it”. Words are fleeting, and actions say it all.

Reflection of self.

Mirror, Mirror – Developing our Reflective Activity | Profil Management  Limited

We simply attract:

What we are. “I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am.”

For the longest time, I did not understand why I attracted people who were both inconsistent and emotionally unavailable. It was a pattern and each time I would begin talking to a new guy, I would say in my head “I already know he’s gonna leave” or “He’s not going to stick around”. I too was inconsistent. I asked my spirit guide why I kept soliciting all of these men who were not consistent, knowing that it was my biggest pet peeve. I was inconsistent when it came to my goals mainly. I would write down my short term goals, hit the ground running and then become uninspired after the smallest inconvenience. This meant walking away from playing the piano for months when i couldn’t find the right chord, not picking up my journal to write for weeks when I struggled to articulate my words properly, and not opening my computer to blog when I felt like I wasn’t contributing anything that wasn’t already out there. I also lacked consistency when it came to potential relationships, refusing to put in effort on most days. It’s no surprise that I was a vibrational match to my own reality.

What we are ready for. Sometimes we set super high expectations for ourselves, and that’s okay. We have to continue to bear in mind that we only manifest these things when we are ready for them. Just because we don’t receive them when we ask doesn’t mean that they are unattainable. Some of you reading this put into the universe your desire to be eloped and starting a family by a certain age or point in our life. Years have passed you by and now you’re wondering what went wrong for you and how you missed out on a desire so valuable to you…but did you ever shift your consciousness? I’m sure by now you know how powerful your thoughts are. Everything begins in our mind and our thoughts shape our future. If you’re operating at this level of consciousness where you’ve convinced yourself to believe that you aren’t worthy of your desires, then you simply won’t get that which you desire. Instead, try centering your focus on why you deserve what what you’re seeking.

The sacredness of sex.

Sex Education 103: Sacred Sexuality – Ecstatic Soul Stripper

Energy is transferrable and soul ties are real. It does not serve you to give yourself to people whom you have no sort of connection to. Being young and wild is a phase that we all go through in our life. In fact, it was during my young and wild phase that I took a vow of celibacy. I was intimate with a guy that I was casually seeing and after our last time hooking up, something in me was just over the entire situation. It was pleasant in the beginning, but after a few months of hooking up with no connection being established, I became turned off. I was completely over being un-fulfilled and giving myself to people who couldn’t fill the void that I was needing. Sometimes connections are just instantaneous but that wasn’t the case for me. I was completely empty and overused, and I thought that I could heal that part of me by distracting myself with casual sex. Yet, I still left every time feeling confused. I learned the power of waiting and just allowing a man to dig into the core.

Before you decide to put yourself back out there, check in with your thoughts. How are you feeling? Are you Tarzan swinging from relationship to relationship because you aren’t emotionally mature enough to deal with yourself alone? Are you mentally prepared to put in the time and effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship? As I referenced in my previous post, https://heelsandhighhope.com/blog/, don’t date while you’re still healing. It’s unfair to your current partner to endure suffering as a result of your last partner’s mistakes, simply because you’re being irresponsible with your healing process. Make sure to take all the time you need and remember that healing is not linear.

Remain hopeful!

healing for the inner-self.

It’s the feeling that we get when something is wrong. It’s that butterfly we feel when our crush talks to us. It’s the reason that our heart flutters when we hear that person’s name. It’s our inner self, and how in tune we are with it.

There is absolutely nothing better than just being in alignment with your mind, body, and soul. “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” Once we realize the depth of this, things that happen to us begin to make more sense. We are then able to accept things as they are, and understand the magnitude of these things as they relate to our spiritual journey and inner transformation.

Have you ever had a positive outlook on a job opportunity, but then in that same moment you felt as if you weren’t good enough for the position or that you were under-qualified? That’s mistake number one. Nevertheless, and full of doubt, you still applied for the position and hoped for the best….but then the e-mail came through, and it stated that the company decided to pursue another applicant instead. You’re about to make the second biggest mistake: You’re going to tell yourself that you knew you wouldn’t get it because you weren’t qualified and didn’t have the credentials.

Let’s dissect this:

  1. You went into this situation with high energy and initially applied for the job with a great level of confidence. 
  2. At some point during the application process, a subconscious thought pushed to the forefront of your mind and subsequently brought your energy level and confidence down halfway. You possibly even struggled with completing the application. (Note that at this point you have put these thoughts out into the universe and the universe has reacted accordingly.)
  3. By the time you completed the application, your energy level has depleted to  ground level, your self-esteem has lowered, and you probably feel drained. 

If we truly knew the power of our thoughts, we would never have a negative one. We hold so much power over our thoughts, and being able to control them takes much practice and guidance. The goal isn’t to tame our thoughts, it is to not let our thoughts control us. Majority of us have been programmed to suppress past trauma, and as a result of this, it tends to manifest in our day-to-day actions. As a child, you may have had someone consistently tell you that you’ll never be good enough for something. Consciously, we may believe otherwise, but subconsciously, we tend to believe that which we are constantly told.

We grow older and kill ourselves trying to prove that we’re good enough, instead of doing what we do because we want to–because we love to do it. We become extremely hard on ourselves and criticize ourselves over the smallest things. We also tend to judge every action instead of trusting our intuition. Our Solar Plexus Chakra (3rd Chakra) is responsible for our self perception and overall willpower. This chakra becomes easily unbalanced and blocked when a person judges or criticizes themselves. Also, bear in mind that the Law of Attraction states that whatever we put out is what we will get back. If you criticize and judge yourself, you will attract individuals who are like-minded. The imbalance in this chakra also makes us project our insecurities onto other individuals

So, how do we heal our inner self? How do we grab hold of our thoughts? How do we attract great things? Here are a few of my favorite healing exercises:

  • Meditation
    • Guided meditation is always a great start for the beginner. The person meditating is gifted with an experienced teacher who guides them into deeper consciousness via verbal instruction and/or visualizations. YouTube has hundreds of guided meditation videos for a variety of issues. I always recommend guided meditation as a starting point because you may not know what words to say, and having a guide just alleviates that stress for you. If at any point meditation becomes too heavy for you, discontinue until you feel comfortable proceeding.
  • Positive Affirmations
    • I’m a firm believer in affirmations and I honestly would not make it through the day without them. Affirmations are essential whether you’re feeling on top of the world or if you’re at your lowest. Even when you’re at your lowest always remember to practice the positive thought until it becomes the dominant one. The affirmations that you speak set the tone for your day/life, and the more that you practice them, the easier it will be for you to speak them freely.
    • Another fun activity to partake in (MY PERSONAL FAVORITE) is purchasing a pack of note cards, writing positive affirmations on them, and hanging them up in your bedroom and around the house. You will be surrounded by positive affirmations and whenever you begin to doubt yourself, you can just look up to see a note card that reads “Only love and success can reach me”.
  • Yoga
    • Yoga is an excellent go-to when you are seeking inner peace. During this exercise, you are able to block out the world, focus on your breathing, and clear your thoughts completely. Yoga helps to reduce stress, find balance, and also improves your physical well-being. Yoga sessions will definitely leave you feeling refreshed, and like meditation, guided yoga practice will benefit you as well if you’re clueless on how to begin.
  • Chakra visualization
    • Chakra visualization targets unblocking and re-aligning your six energy centers. When a chakra is off, you go into meditation and physically visualize the chakras being re-aligned. I think of them as circles with a vertical line connecting them all. When one is off, I visualize that particular being positioned to where the line is horizontal instead of vertical and connected with the others. Knowing what I know, I go into meditation and visualize the chakra turning back to its vertical state. An unbalanced chakra also manifests physical symptoms. For example, if your heart chakra is under active, you will find yourself building a wall up against anyone who tries to get close to you. When this chakra is balanced, you are able to love and are open to receiving it in return.

Hopefully these healing tips will benefit you in more way than one as they have done for me!

“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” —Eckhart Tolle